my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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