i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
