You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
