Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
