I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
