It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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