apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
