I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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