so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
