i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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