If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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