i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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