i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
