May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
third nipple confirmed
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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