You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Tell her she can't have a vagina
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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