remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
