new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
