You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
