Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
