Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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