it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
