I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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