I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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