I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
