I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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