when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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