WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Is Oprah even human
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize