im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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