I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
