I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
