Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Bang-toberfest begins!!
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
