your parents love me but you hate me
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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