Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
We left the knife in your bed.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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