forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Randomize
