Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
