Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
