"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Randomize
