Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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