Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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