We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
