Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
