I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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