I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I smell like Dick and happiness
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