Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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