Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
