Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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