Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Come share oat with me in your robe
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
