You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
