My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
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