Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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