Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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