Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
My vagina just recognized that song.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
