A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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