my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
