Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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