Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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