So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
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