We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
