The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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